I had the entire world at my doorstep and I just couldn’t make it to the door anymore. The walls were too big and my heart was too empty to fill any of the space. It was too far.
I haven’t been writing in weeks and I’ve left you all in the dark with no replies or sharing. Many of you are like family but how can I write a bucket list related post when my life is falling apart? How can I be encouraging you to go after your dreams when mine are all gone? Last week, I left my home, my friends, and my life in California because my husband and I separated. I drove across the country to uncertainty once again only this time I’m doing it with a child, no job, no direction, and no courage. What’s to come? I have no idea.
Five years ago, I created something beautiful – a website about following your dreams and living life to the fullest. I had gone from living life in eastern Canada and teaching at a high school to living a dream life in California and traveling the world. Everyday was a weekend and every weekend was spectacular. I participated in wild adventures like trekking gorillas and sailing tail ships, I explored the far reaches of the world, I had a child, and I’d seen things that I didn’t even imagine possible. On my down time, I took Athena to shows, productions, amusement parks, beaches, new destinations, and on play dates. We bought a house in a family-friendly community in our favorite location in the world. I had filled my life with dreams.
But what was left was a growing gap between my husband and I. While I was building the most beautiful career, I was destroying a marriage. I wasn’t alone in the destruction, there is always more to the story than what’s on the surface, but I’m alone in the end result.
Now, Athena and I are on a new journey of discovery. We need to decide on a new place to call home and a new life and a new career direction and new… who knows. I have family to turn to and enough financial support to make it to a destination, but no compass.
This isn’t my first time starting a new life but it is the most difficult. I feel like I’ve fallen off of a cliff and my life is in so many pieces that I can’t find them all to put them back together. And even the pieces I do have, the edges have broken off so it’s impossible to figure out where they belong.
When my aunt and uncle passed away last year, you were there. When I was in a car accident in a foreign country, you were there. When I discovered new countries and adventures, you were there. When Athena was born, you were there. Now, when I’m struggling to open the door and let the light in, I hope you are there.
I will always land on my feet and there is always more to come but I may need a little direction before I start my next adventure.
(I pulled this post twice because I felt like it was too personal, but if you’re going to continue on this adventure with me, you deserve to have the story.)
There is no such thing as “going back to square one”. Even if you feel like you’re having to start over, you are trying again with more knowledge, strength and power than you had before. Your journey was never over, it was just waiting for you to find it again. — Unknown