Almost six years ago, Bucket List Publications started as a pure labor of love. I combined all of my greatest passions into one and the blog was born. The more it grew, the less it was my “baby” and the more it became a source of income and a job. I would have never imagined I could make a living doing it but it has really come a long way. I’ve experienced some of the greatest adventures available around the world because of Bucket List Publications and most of my travels and experiences were offered in exchange for coverage on the site. That might not have been a good thing though. I stopped posting daily because I couldn’t keep up and I put less of my personal life and more generic travels. I also didn’t have the time to reply to all of the comments coming in and some ladies who had become really great friends drifted off. I was reminded of that today and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I’d like to get back to what I love and enjoy the community that I created here. With that comes a lot of backtracking on what has been happening in my life. So here’s a quick update.
Most of you know that Athena’s dad and I separated awhile back. I still live in California so he can be close to her and we’ve come to know it as home. Financially, he has been a huge help and I’m grateful for his presence in Athena’s life. He is a good person, but we were horrible together for years and a split was inevitable. I actually think he would agree that we probably never should have married based on compatibility. Thankfully we were too stupid to see it in the beginning or I wouldn’t have the amazing life I have or the most beautiful child.
I felt like I had completely lost my mind during the transition. I was grasping to understand and find my footing and I couldn’t keep my head above water. I considered moving back to Canada because I couldn’t see any other option. I packed what I could fit in the van and drove across the country to uncertainty. (Yeah, there was a lot of crying on that five day drive.) My family is spread all over the place so I didn’t know if I should drive north or east or just sell everything and move to another continent.
I chose east to my grandparents. Although I have a wonderful, supportive mother, my grandparents have always been my “home”. Grandpy has been the best guide in life. I needed him. I needed his words and his love. I needed to know that regardless of all the mistakes I had made or how lost I was, I was loved.
Arriving was another dagger to the heart. I knew Grandpy’s dementia was bad but I was delusional in thinking he would still be capable of helping me. Most days I wasn’t sure if he knew who I was so talking on a deep level was impossible.
I had to do it on my own. Because of my mistakes, I’m aware that I didn’t make all of them on my own, Athena was now away from her father and she had a confused mother who spent as much time crying as smiling. After talking to Athena’s father, I decided to return to California.
Athena and I got an apartment in Orange County and she spends every other weekend with her dad who lives in the same town. She seems to be transitioning well, which was my biggest concern. Her dad and I never really spent a lot of time together to begin with and Athena and I often traveled on our own so it’s really not that different for her.
I started dating again and met someone who is thoughtful, loving, creative, handsome, and makes me laugh so much that my face hurts. Sometimes it’s all so overwhelming that I can’t breathe and I panic while other times it feels so natural that I can’t imagine it any other way. I don’t know if his sticking around is encouraging or a testament to how crazy he must be to put up with me. I can’t predict how it will turn out but I know that being with him makes me want to be a better person. Being with him brings a happiness back into my life that I thought was gone for good. Being with him gives me hope. I know that certain people bring out certain qualities in people. He brings out the good in everyone around him. His light is contagious.
Well, that’s a start. I’m going to try to write daily again and respond to all comments no matter how long it takes. Thanks for the reminder Dawn. I needed a push in the right direction. I want to get back all the things I love in my life and this is the right direction.