Catching Sight of the Shore from Bark Europa

Sails on Bark Europa

I failed. Attempts two and three at going aloft on tall ship Bark Europa were unsuccessful. So many others rose to the challenge yet I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I returned to my cabin teary-eyed and discouraged after every try. I was a failure; I had let myself down. Why was I making it so difficult? Why couldn’t I do it? I struggle with accepting defeat. I didn’t want to hear how I can try again or that I don’t have to do it or that it’s okay. I felt angry to even hear the words. I would rather others look me in the face and say, “Wow, you really blew that one” than to try and make me feel better. I’m angry at myself for being defeated and I’m angry at others for encouraging defeat. I need someone to say that it’s not ok to quit. I need someone to say that I’m not a coward so stop acting like one. I need to climb up those rungs with someone behind me that won’t let me down until I do it. I need to try until I can’t see through the tears or until I fall then I need to try more. Why do we say it’s okay when someone can’t conquer their fears? Why do we immediately default with accepting fear? Is it unhuman to expect greatness?

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